A Postmodern Fable

In the spring of the year, the time when kings go forth to battle, David sent Jo'ab, and his servants with him, and all israel out on campaign; and they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem.

It happened late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch and was walking upon the roof of the king's house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. And David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said "Is not this Bathshe'ba, the daughter of Eli'am and the wife of Uri'ah the Hittite?" So David sent messengers and took her; and she came to him and he lay with her. Now she was purifying herself from her uncleanness. Then she returned to her house, and the woman conceived; and she sent and told David "I am with child."

So David sent word to Jo'ab (2 sam 11 1-6a) - herewith the postmodern extension - "Send me Mariah the hacker." And Jo'ab sent Mariah to David. When Mariah came to him, David asked how Jo'ab was doing, and how the people fared, and how the population control program prospered.

Then David said to Mariah "Go down to Bathsheba's house and wash her feet." This was an unexpected euphemism for "scrape her tubes," itself an idiomatic expression meaning dilation and curettage, however, David was developing a real flair for colorful language.

And Mariah went out of the king's house, and there followed her a present from the king. And Mariah interpreted the present as a sign of things to come. Taking it as a gesture intended to start a professional relationship, Mariah thoroughly scraped Bathsheba's tubes. When this was accomplished, Bathsheba was no longer with child. Bathsheba therefore sent and told David, "All is well. I am no longer with child, thanks to the professional ministrations of your royal physician."

David, who had as yet granted no such title to Mariah, now recognized the full impact of what he had done. Acquiescing to the inevitable, he appointed Mariah as his royal court physician. From then on, none of David's harem succeeded in bearing him children. David's dynasty was at an end. It only remained for the rebellion of Absalom, at Ephraim Wood, to put the last nail in the coffin of his dynasty.

As David grew old in years, all the while enjoying the favors of Bathsheba, he charged Bathsheba, his wife, saying "I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong and show yourself a man, for that is the postmodern way.  Act, therefore, according to your feminine wiles..." (David, being king, could get away with such language) "...and rule over Israel upon my death." In the absence of royal issue, Bathsheba ruled all israel for 3 months with the blessing of the prophet Nathan. Her life was forfeit, however, in the coup of Obadiah, son of Jo'ab, who, knowing the score, had planned the takeover for many years.